


Pissing a Rainbow

by Applepie



Series: Pissing a Rainbow [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applepie/pseuds/Applepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Naruto is pissing a rainbow, Sakura is quite possibly from the future, Sasuke is a horrible actor, and Kakashi is confused and utterly ignored. Crack-fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pissing a Rainbow

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the slightly vulgar title, but "Urinating a Rainbow" isn't quite as catchy…

 

It all started when Kakashi gave Naruto too much water to drink.

"Hokage-sama!" Kakashi yelled, slamming the door to the Hokage's office open in a frantic panic, "Naruto's pissing a rainbow!"

Sarutobi looked up at his panicky shinobi over his smoking pipe. "I know," the old man said carelessly, his tone a complete contrast to the other man’s.

The ANBU paused, "You do?"

"Kakashi, I know you've been a ninja since you were six, but that's no reason for you to not have taken elementary physics." The old man sighed, shaking his head sadly, "You see, when water hits light-"

"Yes, yes," Kakashi cut him off, "That's not what I meant. I mean that Naruto’s urinating colourful pee – in all shades of the rainbow.”

A pipe dropped from slack jaws. "Oh my, we might have a problem."

"We definitely do."

"We need to have this checked out."

"Yes sir."

"I'll set up an appointment for you at the psychiatrist tomorrow at thirteen-hundred sharp," Sarutobi concluded with a finite nod at the Anbu before him.

"Ye- Wait, not me," Kakashi corrected incredulously, "For Naruto!"

Sarutobi shook his head slowly. "You know you have a problem when you watch seven-year-olds urinate,” he explained gravelly with a disappointed sigh.

"It wasn't me," Kakashi denied immediately, "My ninken saw it."

"You know you have a problem when you order your dogs to watch seven-year-olds urinate," the Hokage restated.

Before Kakashi could deny anything anymore, the door behind them slammed open.  "Who watched who urinate?" Naruto cried out, leaping into the room with all the grace of a seven-year-old. In other words, not a whole lot.

"Ah, Naruto," the Hokage greeted as the boy stumble towards him, "I was just telling Kakashi how much of a pervert he is," the man said conversationally, as though it was an everyday topic.

"I know, right?" the blond agreed.

The Old man nodded together with the boy. "Now, about the urinating…" Sarutobi began.

"I won't do it in public again, I promise!" Naruto interrupted.

"No, no, no worries about that, my boy. Just tell Kakashi here what happened," the Hokage consoled.

Naruto eyed Kakashi before fixing a sulk at the old man. "But Kakashi's a pervert!" the blond whined in response. Kakashi wondered how Naruto knew he was a pervert, because _no_ , he had _not_ been, and had _never_ spied on the boy peeing before, no matter what the Hokage was convinced of, _thank you very much._

The Hokage was clearly not as curious as Kakashi was about Naruto’s oddly confident groundless statement. "Yes, but we all know from experience just how trustworthy perverts are," Sarutobi lectured instead, carefully caressing his own copies of erotic novella from behind the desk.

Naruto scratched his head in serious thought at those words. "Unless they pin after little boys, I suppose," the blond demon container finally commented at last.

"Ah, yes." The old man looked ashamed, "Where did I go wrong with Orochimaru? If only Jiraiya wrote his delicious Icha Icha series earlier, then Orochimaru wouldn't have turned to pedo-yaoi for his sexual frustrations."

The young boy nodded, "Amen to that, Old man. Amen."

Kakashi looked bewildered between the two, "Am I missing something here?"

Old man Sarutobi coughed, "Anyways, are you willing to guard this S-class secret with your life?" the Hokage snapped at his shinobi, getting back on topic.

With only minimal hesitance, Kakashi gave a salute, "Yes sir."

"Well then, Naruto…" the man urged.

The blond nodded seriously, face solemn. Kakashi prepared for the worse. "So, like, when something bad's about to happen, I piss a rainbow."

There was a pause. "… Erm… Sorry? What was that?" Kakashi asked, wondering if he needed to clean out his ears. Or maybe he needed to wake up – how certain was he that this wasn’t a dream?

"It’s fun! I can draw pretty pictures with it," Naruto continued cheerily.

There was another awkward pause. "Did I honestly need to know that?" the silver-haired man murmured disturbedly as he blinked the mental picture out of his mind. This was getting ridiculous, Kakashi thought. "Do you know why that happens?" he inquired cautiously, hoping to acquire some sort of reasoning to this sudden world of madness he was thrown into.

"Duh, why else does anything else in my life happen? It's the Kyuubi."

Kakashi's lone grey eye stared hard at the blond. "The Kyuubi makes your urine colourful."

"Duh, how else would he tell me there's danger?" Naruto retorted, rolling his eyes. Wasn't that obvious?

"…so he makes you piss rainbow bodily fluids to tell you?" The ANBU repeated wearily.

Sarutobi took a puff of his pipe, seemingly ignorant of the plight his fellow shinobi was undergoing from Naruto’s carelessly spewed explanation. "So what are your plans towards this, Naruto?" he asked curiously.

"Me?" The blond shrugged. "Probably ask Sakura-chan out for ramen. You want to come, Old man?"

He shook his head. "I apologise, Naruto, but I still have a lot of paperwork to do. Have fun."

"Okay, your loss," Naruto replied, already skipping out of the room.

Kakashi stared after the two. "But what about the danger?" he cried helplessly at their sudden disregard of everything that was explained just a second before. An empty room answered him.

  

* * *

Naruto sniffed the air. "I smell blood," he remarked offhandedly.

The pink-haired girl standing beside him widened her eyes at the comment. "That's sexual harassment!" Sakura scolded, whacking him on the head.

Naruto rubbed the small bruise forming on his skull from the impact. "I don't mean you," the blond whined, "It's coming from over there."

Sakura's gaze followed his pointing finger. "That's the direction of the Uchiha compound!" the girl cried, eyes widening at the thought.

"Oh… never mind, then. Let's go get ramen."

"Naruto!"

"What? You said you'd eat with me," the blond pouted, tugging her sleeve.

"But it's Sasuke-kun's house!"

"So?"

"Fine," the pinklette sniffed sadly, "But if it turns out he's mentally hurt because his whole family just got murdered in front of him, and we just left him there without attempting to comfort him, and then in the future he becomes an emo-jerk who's in our genin team, who defects Konoha to run away with a pedo-pale-skinned-snake for the sake of avenging his family, and later on becomes even more mentally scarred when he learns that he was obsessing revenge on an actually-innocent brother, and goes crazy from the agony, I get to point in your face and tell you it's  _all your fault_."

"That's awfully concise…"

"Well?" Sakura pressed.

"Well, I don't want to be blamed, and I  _did_  piss a rainbow, so let's go!" the blond concluded. "But it's not my fault Sasuke gets mad at us for showing up."

They strolled towards the flaming compound as the air slowly reeked strongly of blood and fire.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cried. She saw the little boy standing in front of his compound, clothing covered in soot.

Immediately he started wailing pitifully. "It-Itachi!" he sobbed, squeezing his eyes shut in tears, "w-why did you… mo-mommy…" An eye opened, and looked over. He saw Sakura and immediately stopped his sniveling and narrowed his eyes as she clung on. "What are you two doing here? Where're the ANBU?" he demanded in a hiss.

"Dunno," Naruto shrugged, "Want to get ramen with us?"

Sasuke looked around, seeing the whole compound deserted except for the two kids in front of him. The ANBU were nowhere in sight. "Meh," he shrugged. He was getting bored. "Sure, why not."

 

* * *

 

 "So I was like 'bam!' and he was just standing there confused, and then I dropped down and was like 'kablam-o' and-"

Sakura laughed, slurping her noodles as Naruto told his story.

Kakashi slipped into a seat next to her. "Fancy seeing you here, you two," he started, "You should probably head home, though – there was a massacre nearby just moments earlier over at the Uchiha compound. No one survived."

"I think I survived," Sasuke answered flippantly, chewing on a naruto.

Naruto rolled his eyes, "No really."

"Er- What?" Kakashi stared at the boy. Black hair, and Uchiha fan on the back of his shirt – he was an Uchiha! "What are you doing here?"

"Eating." He gave a shrug. "I got bored of waiting, and these two found me before the ANBU did and invited me out for midnight dinner."

"What's the point of opening a ramen stand for twenty-four hours if no one comes in for midnight ramen?" Sakura asked rhetorically with a cute tilt of her head. The girl beamed up at Kakashi who stared blankly back at her.

Naruto nudged Sasuke with his elbow while Sakura distracted the silver-haired man. "Kakashi's an ANBU too, you know?" he whispered conspiringly to the other boy.

"Oh." Sasuke finished chewing and placed down his chopsticks. His lip started to quiver. "ANBU-san, m-my big bro It-Itachi, h-he," he gave a hiccup and a large sob as Kakashi looked over, "he killed everyone…" The raven-haired boy scrubbed his eyes. "A-and there was so much blo-ood," he whimpered pitifully, "I was so-o scared."

"Your sincerity of the issue doesn't show in your eyes," Kakashi commented. The man stared at the three of them for a second longer before going with the flow and ordering a bowl of ramen of his own.

Sasuke pursed his lip annoyed, before giving a shrug. "Sorry. The food's too good. I can't convey sadness while eating."

"Is that so?"

"Hmm, let me try later after I finish eating, okay?" the Uchiha requested.

"So about your clan," the silver-haired ANBU asked.

Sasuke waved him off, "Can we continue this after the food? Crocodile tears kill my taste buds."

Naruto snorted, "You can cry?"

"Duh, Dobe. I've practiced hard for it. How else am I going to get pity out of ANBUs?"

Suddenly Kakashi felt like it was this morning once more. "I don't think I should be listening to this," Kakashi remarked, picking up his chopsticks, wondering if the best course of action was to ignore the words of seven-year-old from now on. The day was going from bad to worse.

"You know how quickly pity turns into acknowledgment and admiration?" the Uchiha continued, ignoring the one-eyed man, "Especially when I have a pretty face."

"It's true, you know," Sakura nodded, "Come tomorrow, all the girls are going to go wild trying to get a piece of Sasuke to comfort with their  _love_."

"Uh huh…"

"He's like every girl's wet dream," She continued.

"Should seven-year-olds even  _know_  what a wet dream is?" Kakashi wondered. The kids efficiently ignored him.

Sasuke smirked. "All I need to do is cry once, look pretty, and the rest will work itself."

"Hmm," Naruto scratched his chin in thought, "I guess I shouldn't have dragged you out for dinner, then. You could've been using this time to get the ANBU's sympathy."

The other boy shrugged. "Not my fault the ANBU have a horrible response time. Besides, I can't act on an empty stomach."

Kakashi lowered his noodle bowl. "You  _do_  know I'm still here, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm prettier than you, so they'll listen to me instead of  _your_   _lies_."

"Really."

"And if all fails, you can be our jounin teacher so I won't need to cajole the ANBUs into teaching me strong avenger-worthy jutsus," he continued.

The single visible eyebrow rose. "And why would I teach a bunch of brats like you?"

"Because I'm pretty."

"Because I can piss a rainbow."

"Because I don't annoy you?"

Kakashi pointed at the pinklette. "I like her answer best."

"Score! No more being the forgotten and ignored teammate for me!" Sakura cheered.

"Teammate for what?" The ANBU asked, bewildered. If he could have it his way, he would _burn_ out the knowledge of these three from his mind. There was no way he would be teaching them.

"Bu-but Sensei…" tears rolled down the Uchiha's face as he cut off the older man's question, "I need to work hard so bro- Itachi- so I can a-avenge my family. Do you know *hic* how it was for m-me…"

"Your tears are falling, but your eyes don't give enough anguish," Kakashi critiqued bluntly, quickly reconsidering his choice to settle down for ramen with them. He’d done so the keep an eye on the three children to keep them safe, but as of now, Kakashi couldn’t care less if they just disappeared in thin air.

Naruto nodded thoughtfully, completely ignorant to Kakashi’s hate for him. "Pretend… your dog just died," he supplied helpfully to Sasuke.

"Or your whole family just got slaughtered," Kakashi muttered dryly.

"Oh, good one, Kakashi-sensei!"

The silver-haired man suppressed the urge to groan into his hands."No, I mean really, they just did. Honestly, does no one else remember anymore?"

"Or you could all wait until I finish eating before you judge, like I told you," Sasuke cut in.

Kakashi sighed. "Or you could  _not_  act."

"No."

Naruto hopped off the stool of the ramen bar. "Come on, Sasuke. Let's try your acting skills on Old man Hokage instead, then."

The Uchiha followed. "Sure, maybe he won't criticize me every second, like _somebody_." He glared pointedly at Kakashi. "Oh the jealousy my fabulous acting," he lamented.

"More like crappy acting," The ANBU whispered to himself with a twitching eye.

Sakura slid off her seat. "Wait for me guys! If all fails, I have great blackmail materials on Kakashi." She scampered off with the boys. “You’ll never guess what I know about him!”

Alone at the bar, Kakashi rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm," he nodded to himself, "I guess rainbow piss  _is_  a bad omen."

The blond heard him nevertheless. "Duh!" Naruto yelled over from his spot meters away. "But oh, did you know, Sensei?" he asked, slowing down to a jog, "Dogs are colourblind!"

But maybe it was for the best Kakashi didn't hear that.

 


End file.
